Mental Illness has been apart of my life for many years now. I decided to make the video “Depression: My Story. My Art Form” to let everyone know how I channel my anxiety in to my writing (which is my form of art). I read my suicide note out loud to share where I was at my lowest point.
Just like I stated in the previous episode of MTWM- Having one homosexual man on your tv screen doesn’t mean we’re accepted or represented. Just because Mental Illness is slightly touched on, doesn’t mean we are ok. We live in a time where we live our lives online, so I find it in myself as a influencer and content creator to share my story to hopefully inspire others to share theirs to start a conversation on mental illness.
In the second grade, I was teased for being ‘gay’ even though nobody knew what that was even in the context. My whole life I have been teased and ridiculed for who I am, but I don’t let that get in my way anymore because I know that it should’t Effect me. But in reality it does. It effects us all.
In the fourth grade, whilst on choir tour, A boy tossed a YES/NO coin in the air and asked it if I would get a sex change one day (In front of my peers). What does one do? I can’t leave. I had another 10 hours on the bus with them and the rest of the tour too. It set me back emotionally, which is why it was hard for me to make friends. In school if you (my peers) went against a bully you would get hate too, so I was alone.
Which is why I create worlds which i can live in, in peace without negative energy from the outside world seeping in and ripping out my heart. As unhealthy as it sounds, I felt/feel good about it. Which leads me to my channel, website and online presence. It’s a world i’ve created. It’s a train I cannot stop. Sometimes the anxiety gets too much for me to handle and I think to myself Why don’t I just delete everything and go off the grid?
I wouldn’t be able to create content. art. Which in my mind would mean building a wall, and as we know building walls isn’t a solution.
I strongly believe that my mind and soul are two different beings. My soul wants nothing to do with me, but my head controls the engine room. I channel all of this energy in to my writing. I’ve written many poem collections, an example would be ‘voices make my choices’, which is about being split in two on a daily basis.
I don’t sleep. I don’t want to wake up. I’m dirty. I don’t care. And Repeat. That’s my life. Everything I create goes through a million tests, where eventually I end up producing a half-assed final product because I don’t trust myself. Living with a mental illness for me, is worse than if I was physically beaten up. The constant ups and downs can only push you so far.
Many people in my life have committed suicide. Matty (2014) and my step father (2016). The negativity in me, in conjunction with my OCD, makes me wonder who’s going to die in 2018.?
Each of these incidents have changed my views on life and have altered my life to the extent of my own suicide which seemingly creeps closer everyday.
A normal 19 year old doesn’t have to have to decide to put a dog down, whether or not to sell a house and having so much money that you blow it all so that the anxiety of having it. It’s hard. BUT it’s not over. I try and keep a positive outlook on life. So should you! By sharing my story, through this excerpt I hope to inspire you to keep moving forward AND share your story.