THE FOLLOWING TEXT IS THE INTRO TO “Chasing Canvases & Boys” THE MATT NEL E-BOOK:
Hi I’m matt Nel. You’ve probably seen me on Instagram or in that movie that made very little sense. I’m a writer, or at least I like to pretend I’m one. It’s 1:27am, I should be asleep. But part of me thinks I’ll waste the day if I do sleep. Right now I’m in bed, contemplating life and wondering what life would be like if I wasn’t on earth anymore. I’m so lost that it’s like I’m stuck between a second dimension and reality. I don’t like pain, but I would like to die.
I’ll wake up tomorrow in a different mood, put on my pink blazer and go on if things were all normal again and life would be “perfect”. I’ll take a photo, I’ll upload it and late at night I’ll want to kill myself because of the anxiety social media gives me.
I’m pretty much fucked up. Nothing like you’ll see in my pictures. Although I don’t post unrelated quotes on my pictures and seek attention like many people, I’ve noticed a trend. The picture will be nice I’ll feel happy, then I’ll regret uploading it and want to delete all social media because my brain / other self thinks it’s a toxic world.
I’m a cold person on the outside. I’m a soft person on the inside I just can’t escape from the physical vessel. It’s like trying to be someone you’re not whilst dying for it not working out. It’s like a black hole.
I once loved a boy. He didn’t love me back. It set me back years. I wrote a few poems about him and moved on. But in reality I haven’t. I almost cry every day because I wonder “what if?” He’ll never love me but my “other” self tells me to continue to be obsessed with the idea that this specific pretty Jehovah’s witness would choose me out of all people to love and come out. I’m so backwards that I used to think I could work around the whole “he’s straight” thing. I used to think I could change him, in fact I used to think I could change any guy if I spent just a few hours with them. Obviously not based on solid researched facts.
He loves her. She has her License and I complain on a blog to 5 subscribers. Yet my “other” self makes me believe it could truly still work out. It won’t. I’ll tear myself apart often about it.
I don’t work, I don’t study. I’m pretty much the biggest example of white privilege. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I can barley function some days. I used to weigh 50kgs, I still want to weigh 50kgs, but I can’t because I’ve accepted that binge watching Broad City, not showering for 2 days and looking homeless is my life. I don’t want to even wake up some days. And on those good days, when I wake up and feel like I can actually accomplish something, my “other” personality reminds me that I only got a higher certificate and pushes that in my face.
So yeah. I have depression, I obsessively love a boy who won’t love me back, I post like I’m a kardashian when I know people don’t care, and often switch between my two personalities… but when I’m myself it’s like I don’t remember who I was because I’m so long gone down the road, I can’t recover. Which is why I always get anxiety. I don’t know who I am. I like pink, I like lady gaga and avocado on pizza but what do I really like? I don’t know.
I don’t even know the point of this post if I can be honest. It’s basically space for me to vent so I don’t end my long mission of “life”. If you can even say I can “write”. Even though it’s saved my life before.
I’ve been turning pavements to payments
Whilst chasing canvases and boys – all with two different people within myself. It’s hard and complicated. I know I’m not alone. I know many of you are sick of what you’ve become. It’s not to late to not care about the likes. But then again I don’t know who’s giving you this advice.
I’m matt need, I wake up psycho, go to bed 18, wake up 36 with responsibilities – cat and bills. I live a pretty fucked up life too. You’re not alone 😘
free to donate money to https://paypal.me/mxttnel/5