Emotional / trigger warning. This Post may contain graphic content or content that my effect you.
I am dead but I am alive. I am swimming yet somehow drowning . I am blind in perpetual emptiness and I am losing control of my mind. I love control. For once the world seems different yet I’m in the same body with the same things around me. Just different thoughts.
I let my art take a back seat, so that my heart wouldn’t have to submit defeat. I found something within myself that was inhibiting my space and thinking waves. I couldn’t think or create because of my nerves. I was constantly judging my work and decisions that I had made. I even would think people were not only judging me but my posts and etc too when in reality nobody gave a crap. Which in some sense is part of the reason I came here. Being afraid doesn’t accomplish anything. However I can name many things that contribute to me being in here that include fear.
I met this guy Ryan. He’s very sweet, very cute and took me on a tour. He also sleeps across from me in our 4 people room.
It’s a21 day program🤔 I’m not looking forward to the blood injections tomorrow at 7am. After that I’m sure it’ll be a smooth. Classes and group and etc. there’s this other handsome man daniel who has HIS issues, who’s practically sex on a stick, but, the “kim” tattoo on his arm may not be to my advantage. Who knows for now.
Another guy, in the bed directly in front from me, by the door: he’s very tall and is a nice black man it’s just that he never speaks to me or the others maybe just slight yes or no when he’s asked a question.
So far it doesn’t feel like American horror story assylum as the staff are very friendly; I’m worried that if they don’t find a vein they have to poke until they find one. Either way I am definitely complaining for a rough total of 10 minutes before my body finally gives up to the idea. Then I guess from there it’s just group classes and etc.
4 days have gone by and I’ve only had one break down where I had to sit on the floor and cry about life even though there was no main reason why to It. No I lie. It was because of being alone and this guy a like in the program. He become my best friend and even kissed me twice but that was just to gain my trust so he could borrow my phone. And then on Saturday he discharges himself with my phone and I freaked out and that’s how we get to the lying on the floor motionless tearful laying there. The nurses, the vultures yet not one of them helped me.
The only person who truly comes to so me is my mom. Nobody else bothers to come to even say hi. All I want is a plant like that lady with perfect makeup. Yet I think it’s my ego doing the talking. I split between the two in here. Part of wants to help everyone and the other half thinks I’m a kardashian and wants all be attention and flowers and etc:I don’t t deserve these things. I’m in here to get better and the whole guy situation set me off.
I tried slightly cutting myself with the beads from “art” class even though they didn’t really do anything. Now the vultures took everything away from me. My shoes, my shampoo and my soul.
It’s been 11 days now. Jackie (blond hair lol) has left I have never cried so much in my life. It’s like having a really close family member leaving and tearing out your heart.
Brown hair Jax brought us pudding which is really sweet . Today I feel a little down because it’s a Sunday and there’s nothing to do here. There’s glass I took from Mosaic infront of me and I want to kill myself because I’m alone but my “second” personality says no. I’m worth it. So I’m lost in a world within a hospital within another world.
I’m 15 kilometers away, not oceans away. I can’t run away from my depression. I must not hide from my issues. They become a monster that creeps nearer if I don’t obliterate with nerves by day 12. I need comfort, someone to confirm that this wasn’t a mistake and this is normal.
I have to find a way. I have to rehabilitate myself. I have to go back to black. Or risk losing myself indefinitely.
Help is available!
AKESO clinics (Depression&Anxiety Including substance users too)- http://www.akeso.co.za/clinics