Being let down is one thing, being taken advantage of is another. I’m finally off the high dosage medication. It’s a few days or a week or so in to the program and I’m feeling a little more relaxed than usual. I’m VERY tired. I doze and snooze but In a “sober” / awake state. During group you may find me starting off the speaking OR completely out of it lying on the floor in my floral pants because the meds knock me out. I’m convinced I’m being given something too high or at the wrong time of the day.
people are coming and going faster than Bieber changes his beard models. I’m starting to get a lot of anxiety about it. This place is a safe haven! Blond Jackie left today, the first of the “OG” crew to leave so it set me off. I’ve never truly had “friends”, now that I get some, regardless of the/their circumstances: they leave like a Bond girl per era. Fast and without notice. Bam the bed the once they lay in; empty. The eyes you looked through are dry and finally ready to leave the roost. They are leaving cause their 21 days are up. They have to continue with life. Something I’m battling. I battle with the “2” personality vibe “thing”. I’m constantly split between the ego and the real Matt Nel.
Outside this place, I lived for the applause: the attention seeking whore within me was wanting more and more as the likes came, my soul was devoured by social media, which is ironic because I love marketing. I fell in to a trap of wanting to share my medium of art, yet it made me become something I wasn’t.
An ego is something I created a few years back to cope with my life and bullying. I created and it. I’ve become it. To such an extent where I even changed the way I walked and talked to suit other people’s likes and to be comparable to the elite. Reality is not so clear.
Had a pass out last night. Previous one was till 9pm, so this time I stayed out till that time: not realizing the psych authorized for 6pm. So when I got back I had to do a blood test, because they automatically need to check up on your behavior and levels as you have reached the level of disobedience/ “curfew”. I hated it and complained. However the strong pills made me forget I signed a paper for 6pm. Here’s goes another pint. Another vampire somewhere searching for something they won’t find, but as a precaution I drank hot chocolate when I went out.
I truly feel as I have a good group of people around me. Healthy, food energised people.
So it makes it harder when each one leaves faster than a flight from nkandla.
I want to die. I want to live. I’m stuck. Applause wants me. I want applause. But I don’t want to be a .com anymore I want to be Matthew Dominic Nel. I’ve lost that. I’m here to find it and as days go by I feel as if I’m getting it back. I’ve been of Instagram and I feel great about it. I no longer give a rats ass about people’s opinions or like difference or quotes. I want to be me: the writer. Not me the “matt nel” who was once heckled at a club for being exactly that.
The depression gets harder annually, the Anxiety levels have gotten proportionally higher inside compared to outside but I feel as if I’ll be ok.
I had one of the best sessions with my psychologist today. She even called me “mature matt” (obviously comparing to other Matt’s I have become or choose to be). I am ready to sort of leave, just not yet. I’m still seeking attention via the way I dress which needs to change to dressing for me not “them”. I have to sit down with my psychologist and Mom to discuss our disconnection, this will help push our relationship to a better place. I hope.
I’ve gone back to basics in terms of lifestyle. I spend way less, I share less and I eat way more which is good as I eat a healthy 59kgs Now. I’m getting there; the urge to cut my veins and bleed out In my bed during the early dewy am’s are becoming a power struggle with matt 2 BUT I shall come out on top, I’m a mother fucking warrior. I don’t need to search for applause I am the applause. I am Matthew Nel. I made a blog, that doesn’t make me better, it doesn’t make me worse. Likes don’t make me better, likes don’t make me worse. Comparison is the worst thing I ever did. But now I know. And now I’m getting healthy.
Bored games are the key to my happiness whilst in this hell / heaven hole. The words found during a game of bananagram with Lyne and Brad are SO ironic. Till next time Brad, I shall win neh 😉
I’m on my last week. I finally found out Daniel’s kim tattoo is for his mom which is really sweet. Might get my mom’s initials on my wrist. We shall see as I don’t know the outcome of this opaque world I live within. I am waiting. I am working. I am.